Nobody wants to get divorced, but those statistics
that get passed around make it seem like it's an almost inevitable consequence
of getting
married. Breathe easy,
brides. Truth is less grim than fiction here. From that ominous 50% divorce rate
to pre-wedding cohabitation's effect on marriage, read on as experts clarify
the seven most popular misconceptions about splitting up.
Myth #1:
One in two marriages ends in divorce.
Whether
you and your partner have been dating since childhood or had a whirlwind
romance, chances are you've been (or will be) warned about the dreaded 50%
statistic. So are your chances for a happily ever after really that mediocre?
Not exactly. In fact, the divorce rate has been steadily decreasing since the
1980s, according to the National
Marriage Project. A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges
from 40% to 50%. And keep in mind: This factors in people who marry over and
over again which drives up the rate. Plus, your own guy isn't likely to file for divorce. Mara Opperman,
relationship etiquette expert and co-founder of I Do, Now I Don't, reveals that women
initiate about two-thirds of all divorces.
Myth #2: Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce.
Myth #2: Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce.
This
fable's popularity may be connected to the fact that it makes sense. Doesn't
shacking up before "I do" better prepare you to live with someone
after the wedding? Actually, the circumstances under which you decide to move
in together make all the difference, says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting
About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. If cohabitation occurs out of
necessity (say, your partner lost his job and can't afford to live on his own),
the experience doesn't benefit the relationship. If you're considering moving
in with a boyfriend, "do
it carefully," suggests Dr. Tessina. "It can reduce the chance of divorce as long as it's done thoughtfully."
Myth #3:
Second marriages are more likely to last than first marriages.
Again,
this myth seems logical. After all, you'd learn a lot from a first marriage
that you can apply to a second marriage. And wouldn't you be more cautious
about agreeing to tie the knot again? Even though studies show slightly
different rates, one thing's for sure-giving marriage another go definitely ups
the chances of divorce. Roughly 67% to 80% of second marriages end in divorce, while third marriages crumble at an even higher
rate, says Opperman. This could be because "divorce doesn't help us choose
a better partner or be a better mate in our next relationship. Divorce teaches
us how to divorce," says Wendy Walsh, PhD, CNN's relationship expert and
author of The 30-Day Love
Detox. In other words, if you already know how to get divorced, the more
likely you see it as an option.
Myth #4: Divorce is incredibly expensive.
Myth #4: Divorce is incredibly expensive.
It's easy
to fall for this when you constantly see headlines about your favorite
once-married couple engaged in a "multi-million dollar divorce."
Thankfully, those costly cases aren't the norm. As long as the two parties
involved amicably agree on who gets what and don't head to court each time to
make a decision, the fees are manageable, says Silvana D. Raso, a matrimonial
and family law attorney for Schepisi & McLaughlin, who have offices in
Englewood Cliffs, NJ, and New York City. Dr. Tessina adds that the entire bill
can be less than $1,000. If the divorce isn't likely to go as smoothly, she and
Raso suggest mediation as a more affordable route. "Conflict resolution is
less expensive than conflict escalation," says Raso. Meaning: Litigation
can be a long, drawn-out process, which can simultaneously heighten clashes and
hike up charges, while mediation typically involves less time to reach a
resolution, which translates to lower fees.
Myth #5:
All ex-wives get alimony.
Alimony
is money that one spouse is legally obligated to pay the other, either over
time or in one lump sum, agreed upon at the time of the divorce. Its purpose is
to provide either partner with the lifestyle he or she had throughout the
marriage. As nice as an extra paycheck in the mail sounds, not all divorces
involve alimony. As Raso explains, alimony is granted when one spouse, wife orhusband, is financially
dependent on the other. But alimony may not be granted even if the woman wasn't
working during the marriage-if she has the skill set and physical ability to
find a job that pays as well as her ex's. A vocational expert, who considers
factors like her age and educational background, determines what that salary is
likely to be. Another kind of spouse who may not receive alimony: one who
wasn't married that long. Raso says, "The shorter the marriage, the less
likely it is that one spouse became financially dependent on the other."
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.
Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.
This
could be a widely held belief because so many people think that mothers should always get custody. Legally, though,
that's not the case. Even if the mom is the child's primary caregiver
throughout the marriage, both parents are "entitled to equal time with the
kids," says Raso. The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom
from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother
meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded
primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically
granted shared custody.
Myth #7:
The US's divorce rate is higher than every other country's.
Not true,
but we're definitely up there on the list. According to the United Nations's Demographic Yearbook, the US has the
sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman
Islands take the top five spots in that order. As for the lowest rates,
marriages in Sri Lanka, Brazil and Italy seem to stand the test of time, says
Dr. Walsh. The longevity of relationships in those countries, though, isn't
necessarily indicative of happier spouses. In some parts of the world, religion
and financial stability motivate women to stay hitched.