7 Divorce Myths - Debunked!

Nobody wants to get divorced, but those statistics that get passed around make it seem like it's an almost inevitable consequence of getting married. Breathe easy, brides. Truth is less grim than fiction here. From that ominous 50% divorce rate to pre-wedding cohabitation's effect on marriage, read on as experts clarify the seven most popular misconceptions about splitting up.

Myth #1: One in two marriages ends in divorce.

Whether you and your partner have been dating since childhood or had a whirlwind romance, chances are you've been (or will be) warned about the dreaded 50% statistic. So are your chances for a happily ever after really that mediocre? Not exactly. In fact, the divorce rate has been steadily decreasing since the 1980s, according to the National Marriage Project. A more accurate divorce rate for American marriages ranges from 40% to 50%. And keep in mind: This factors in people who marry over and over again which drives up the rate. Plus, your own guy isn't likely to file for divorce. Mara Opperman, relationship etiquette expert and co-founder of I Do, Now I Don't, reveals that women initiate about two-thirds of all divorces.

Myth #2: Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce.

This fable's popularity may be connected to the fact that it makes sense. Doesn't shacking up before "I do" better prepare you to live with someone after the wedding? Actually, the circumstances under which you decide to move in together make all the difference, says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. If cohabitation occurs out of necessity (say, your partner lost his job and can't afford to live on his own), the experience doesn't benefit the relationship. If you're considering moving in with a boyfriend, "do it carefully," suggests Dr. Tessina. "It can reduce the chance of divorce as long as it's done thoughtfully." 

Myth #3: Second marriages are more likely to last than first marriages.

Again, this myth seems logical. After all, you'd learn a lot from a first marriage that you can apply to a second marriage. And wouldn't you be more cautious about agreeing to tie the knot again? Even though studies show slightly different rates, one thing's for sure-giving marriage another go definitely ups the chances of divorce. Roughly 67% to 80% of second marriages end in divorce, while third marriages crumble at an even higher rate, says Opperman. This could be because "divorce doesn't help us choose a better partner or be a better mate in our next relationship. Divorce teaches us how to divorce," says Wendy Walsh, PhD, CNN's relationship expert and author of The 30-Day Love Detox. In other words, if you already know how to get divorced, the more likely you see it as an option.

Myth #4: Divorce is incredibly expensive.

It's easy to fall for this when you constantly see headlines about your favorite once-married couple engaged in a "multi-million dollar divorce." Thankfully, those costly cases aren't the norm. As long as the two parties involved amicably agree on who gets what and don't head to court each time to make a decision, the fees are manageable, says Silvana D. Raso, a matrimonial and family law attorney for Schepisi & McLaughlin, who have offices in Englewood Cliffs, NJ, and New York City. Dr. Tessina adds that the entire bill can be less than $1,000. If the divorce isn't likely to go as smoothly, she and Raso suggest mediation as a more affordable route. "Conflict resolution is less expensive than conflict escalation," says Raso. Meaning: Litigation can be a long, drawn-out process, which can simultaneously heighten clashes and hike up charges, while mediation typically involves less time to reach a resolution, which translates to lower fees. 

Myth #5: All ex-wives get alimony.

Alimony is money that one spouse is legally obligated to pay the other, either over time or in one lump sum, agreed upon at the time of the divorce. Its purpose is to provide either partner with the lifestyle he or she had throughout the marriage. As nice as an extra paycheck in the mail sounds, not all divorces involve alimony. As Raso explains, alimony is granted when one spouse, wife orhusband, is financially dependent on the other. But alimony may not be granted even if the woman wasn't working during the marriage-if she has the skill set and physical ability to find a job that pays as well as her ex's. A vocational expert, who considers factors like her age and educational background, determines what that salary is likely to be. Another kind of spouse who may not receive alimony: one who wasn't married that long. Raso says, "The shorter the marriage, the less likely it is that one spouse became financially dependent on the other."

Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children.

This could be a widely held belief because so many people think that mothers should always get custody. Legally, though, that's not the case. Even if the mom is the child's primary caregiver throughout the marriage, both parents are "entitled to equal time with the kids," says Raso. The best interest of the child also could preclude a mom from gaining custody, says Dr. Tessina. If a judge doesn't deem that the mother meets the state's standards for being a fit parent, she won't be awarded primary custody. If both parents are fit to raise the child, they're typically granted shared custody. 

Myth #7: The US's divorce rate is higher than every other country's.

Not true, but we're definitely up there on the list. According to the United Nations's Demographic Yearbook, the US has the sixth-highest divorce rate. Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova and the Cayman Islands take the top five spots in that order. As for the lowest rates, marriages in Sri Lanka, Brazil and Italy seem to stand the test of time, says Dr. Walsh. The longevity of relationships in those countries, though, isn't necessarily indicative of happier spouses. In some parts of the world, religion and financial stability motivate women to stay hitched.

HOW WARREN BUFFET BECAME THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD

Every single human being on the face of the planet is unique. There are over 7 billion people on planet earth and no two persons have the same fingerprint! But we aren’t just unique in our fingerprint style; we are unique in our talents, temperaments, skill and perspective. Our individual uniqueness is accepted, embraced and celebrated by you and me when we were little children. Unfortunately, this uniqueness gets traded for what is popular or in vogue as you get older. You begin to lose your uniqueness as an individual when you give in to the pressure to belong as you become a young adult (starting from your early teens). As you trade off your uniqueness for what is in vogue or what is generally accepted by the public at large, you begin to struggle in all areas of your life. The unique talent and skill that God has blessed you with to make your life ‘easier’ has been cast aside in preference for that which you perceive to be in vogue or popular or what your friends are doing.

A lot of people today have university degrees, and are in a career, job—even relationship-- simply by going with what isn’t a natural fit for them but what others (the society, their friends and parents) have pressured them into doing. Whereas the truly successful people whom we all celebrate are doing the things they love and is a natural fit for them. And as a result of following and developing their own unique talents and gifts, they have all become rich beyond their wildest dreams. Warren Buffet is celebrated as perhaps the greatest investor that ever lived. But he didn’t choose that field of work because that was what all his friends were doing or because he felt that that field was the surest way for him to become rich (for every successful security analyst or stock broker like Warren Buffet, there are 10,000 others who have failed at investing for a living). Rather he went into that profession because from an early age, he had shown a natural fit and love for numbers and business.

Warren Buffet’s childhood

By the time Warren entered kindergarten, his hobbies and interests revolved around numbers. By age six, he became so fascinated by the precision of measuring time in seconds, and desperately wanted a stopwatch which his aunty eventually gave him. He liked anything that involved collecting, counting and memorizing numbers. He was a keen stamp and coin collector. He loved to count how often letters recurred in the newspaper and in the Bible. By fifth grade (around 9 years of age) he had immersed himself in the 1939 World Almanac, which quickly became his favorite book, and he memorized the population of every city in America! Also, his love for business didn’t develop when he was already an adult. When he was about 11 years old, he got himself hired to throw a paper route, delivering theWashington Post and two different routes for the Times-Herald. Listen to how he describes his experience on getting a very lucrative paper delivery route in Alice Schroeder’s The Snowball

“I started on a Sunday, and they handed me a book telling me the people and their apartment numbers. There was no training session and I didn’t have the book in advance. I got up there around 4:30am. There were these bundles and bundles of paper. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t know how the numbering system worked or anything. I sat there for hours and hours sorting and bundling the papers. I was short papers in the end, because people just took them from the bundles as they left for church. The whole thing was a disaster. I thought, ‘what the hell have I gotten into?’ It took until ten or eleven in the morning to finish up. But I stumbled my way through. And it got better and I got good very fast. It was easy”

By the time he was 16 years old, he was making more money than his teachers. Just from pitching newspapers a few hours a day, he was earning $175 a month ($2,100 a year) more money than his teachers (According to the U.S Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, Historical Statistics of the United States: Colonial Times to 1970, the average man earned $2,473 a year in 1946. So a grown man felt well paid if he made $3,000 a year for full-time work) By the same age, he also had several businesses too. Buffet’s Golf Balls sold refurbished golf balls. Buffet’s Approval Service sold sets of collectible stamps to collectors. Buffet’s Showroom Shine was a car-pimping business he started and operated from a friend’s father’s garage.

His love for analyzing numbers and calculating odds didn’t start when he started buying insurance companies like GEICO Auto Insurance, National Indemnity and General Re [insurance companies deal on calculating odds and risks and the likelihood of an event occurring or not so they can price their premiums adequately]. As a young boy he loved to go the racetracks to watch horses race. He quickly became interested in calculating the chances of one horse winning a race over another horse. He would gather as much information on horses entering a race and tried to calculate the odds of them winning or losing a race. Listen again to how he describes this childhood hobby of his:

“…then what I would do is read all these books. I sent away to a place in Chicago on North Clark Street where you could get old racing forms, months of them, for very little. They were old, so who wanted them? I would go through them, using my handicapping techniques to handicap one day and see the next day how it worked out. I ran tests of my handicapping ability day after day, all these different systems I had in mind [the art of handicapping is based on information: the key was having more information than the other guy—then analyzing it right and using it rationally; handicapping horses combined two things he was very, very good at: collecting information and math]…I’d get the Daily Racing Form ahead of time and figure out the probability of each horse winning the race. Then I would compare those percentages to the odds. But I wouldn’t look at the odds first, to avoid prejudicing myself. Sometimes you would find a horse where the odds were way, way off from the actual probability. You figure the horse has a ten percentage chance of winning but it’s going off at fifteen to one. The less sophisticated the track, the better. You have people betting on the jockey’s colors, and you have them betting on their birthdays, you have them betting on the horses’ names. And the trick, of course, is to be in a group where practically no one is analytical and you have a lot of data. So I would study the forms like crazy when I was a kid”

Having shown this knack for numbers and business from an early age, it was only right that he set out to begin a career in a field (security analyst or stock broker) where his natural skill would be most useful. Had he decided to go to medical school and become a doctor, you and I would never have heard of him

Rediscover the real you

What is that unique skill or talent you exhibited as a child? Have you abandoned it because it wasn’t approved by your family, friends and society? The world desires conformity and people everywhere are always quick to look down on their own talents and experiences to go for the talent and skill of someone who has taken the time to polish his or her talent. Your uniqueness matters. I’m sure with the huge popularity of Gangnam style video and dance (based on Park Jae-sang’s--also known as PSY-- take on the lifestyle associated with the people living in the Gangnam District of Seoul-- an area where the rich people of Korea live, just like Lekki Phase 1 or VGC in Lagos), copycats are already cooking up ways of imitating and copying his concept and they’ll most likely give theirs a similar sounding name (e.g. Namgan style)

The path for your success in life has already been forged inside you as a child. The things you loved doing, the talents and skills that came naturally to you are the tools you need to catapult you to a life of riches and happiness that you have every right to enjoy--just like all the other rich and famous people you read about and see on the T.V have.

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